Thoughts about my sister (part 2)

My sister has a happy heart. I think that’s because she has learned to live in the present. Unlike me, she doesn’t review (incessantly) and regret the decisions and actions of her past and she doesn’t agonize over the future. That’s not to say that she doesn’t have regrets, because we’ve talked about some of them and I know they exist. But her regrets, by and large, are different from mine because she mostly regrets things that she did, while I regret things that I never even tried to do. I’ve always been so reserved, so one-isn’t-supposed-to-do-those-things, so what-will-people-think. There are many situations in my life where I look back and wonder, what if? But my sister, she learned earlier that making mistakes isn’t a life-ending experience – in fact, that making mistakes is often synonymous with living life -- so while she has regrets, they are fewer and farther between. She has learned to say, “That was a mistake,” but rarely does she have to admit, “I wish I’d….”

And saying that she doesn’t agonize over the future doesn’t mean that she has no future hopes or ambitions or dreams. She does; we’ve talked about those too. When it comes to making decisions about the future, I agonize over them to the point where I am paralyzed and can’t make one at all. What if it’s not a step in the direction I want to go? For her, it goes back to the regret thing: taking a job or moving to a new house, they might be mistakes, but they’re not likely to kill you, and if it’s a mistake, you can’t go back, so you’ve just got to move forward from the new point in time. Me, because I’ve never learned how to live with mistakes (or really live life?), I’d become so consumed about not being able to go back and undo the action or decision that I’d be unable to move forward. My sister doesn’t regret the past and, ultimately, I think she’s more optimistic about the future because she lives like the present is the most important. I wish learning to do that didn’t take so long.

The thing I admire (and I must admit, envy) the most about my sister is her strength of character. I love my dad and I value his opinion probably more than I should. He wants his children to be and do great things and to spend their lives with people who are worthy of them. If you pressed him, he’d admit that he thinks that we’ve all made some big mistakes in our lives. For my brother, that’d probably be majoring in philosophy in college and then getting a master’s degree in theology. For me, that’d probably be separating from the Air Force. For my sister, the big mistake would probably be staying with her boyfriend. In my brother’s case, he eventually figured out what he’d like to do with his life, and while it did require more school and a second master’s degree, he’s on a good path now. He’s married, and he’ll be finishing school this spring. For my sister, she loves her boyfriend and she knows he’s not perfect. He makes her happy and does his best to take care of her. Despite my dad’s initially verbal objections and a still somewhat tepid disposition toward him, my sister has entered into a common law marriage with Mr. Boyfriend. She persisted in both living at home with my parents and building a relationship with Mr. Boyfriend at the same time. I once asked her how she did it, and she said, “It’s my life. It’s about what I want, not what Dad wants for me and at the end of the day, Dad is still going to love me.” I wish I could say that with the meaning she said it with.

For me, I’m still kind of drifting. I’m unemployed and I live at home with my parents. (Despite the “mistakes” I’ve made, they still are very generous and loving.) It’s sort of a dangerous combination. Many people do not think that I’m strong enough to withstand my dad’s dominant personality. I’d like to think that I am, but I’m not so sure. For the last few months though, they’ve been gone and I’ve had a lot of “me time” to think and discover. I’m not sure of the specifics of what I want to do, but I do think I know a general direction. Ultimately, I’m not sure I’m brave enough to pursue that direction – for many reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t know if my dad would approve. Because the things I think I really want to do aren’t traditional, stable employments. I’m almost to the point where I can say, It’s my life, but I’m not quite there yet. I’m hoping my sister rubs off on me. She’s a strong person; I want that part of her in me.

Above and beyond these things, I admire that my sister can love fully and without agenda. I admire that she’s also not afraid to show it. It’s revealed in her laughter or in her voice or in the look in her eyes. Just the same as her disappointment is. For all the 27 years I’ve shared with my sister, I never noticed before how evident her emotions are, how willing she is to let them be known, how sincere she is. They are the little expressions that cause me to stop in my tracks and see her in a new light, to love her anew and to appreciate the woman she is.